Bold people, I’ve done my best, but this is heavy stuff.

Alright so here is the truth of life.  We are going along everything is fine you think you have got this DOWN!  Home and work life balance, financially stable, heading in a good place….you feel HAPPY! Then “IT”, (I call them train wrecks, let’s not go into why) happens.

Your train wreck could be anything, an unexpected, plan altering, “What the poppycock just happened to my life!?” moment.  You feel an array of feelings, some of which that are unidentifiable. Let me be clear first by saying this thing only needs to be life changing in your eyes.  Others will say really unsupportive things that they mean to be supportive like, “Hey there are options, its not over.”  This! This is about one of the most infuriating things. We do this to each other without meaning to (this is where we have to tell ourselves not to hate people and they are genuinely trying), we use what could be a really great therapeutic tool of putting things in perspective or normalizing events and twist them to sound minimizing.  NO ONE wants their feelings to be minimized!

Then, the really crazy thing that starts is the process of everything getting worse.  Anyone seen, read, heard of this wizard called Harry Potter?  Well if you haven’t, Im sorry, but the author J.K. Rowling gives the best description of this that I have every found.  There is a being, thing, creature that should you encounter it will sucks all the happiness from you and only leaves the bad.  When you have a train wreck moment happen in your life, the bad already out way the good.  This imaginary creature will show up in your life, fully unwelcome, and do it’s worst to you.  In the world of behavioral health we call this depression.  For some people it’s short, for other’s it’s lasting and reoccurring, but it sneaks into every part of your life and soul; work, family, friendships, recreational activities, school, marriages, sleep, religion…the list is kinda long here.

So you look around and find nothing but darkness, IT IS AWFUL!  “People say let me help you.” “What can I do?”  “What needs to be done?”  And you know how we reply, “Oh no, everything is fine” “Nope, I got it.” WE LIE!  Pants on fire, kind of lying.  And you know what, they know that but we all play along and polity say, “Well just let me know, I’m here.”  Here is the big thing….the train wreck person, you are in such a dark place the “I’m here” lights are too far way and you can’t see them.

Mommy time:  This is you sometimes after a baby is born, this is you when you hit a LARGE bump in the road that you have decided you should handle on your own, sometimes the train wreck event is actually happening to your child and it’s your job to fix things.  STOP! STOP! STOP IT NOW!  You are now responsible for the happiness and well being of more than one person.  You are less likely to reach out for help.  We have come up with this silly thought that once you become a mom you need to morph into Wonder Woman at all times.  Guess what, you might be able to do that on occasion but this is not one.  YOU ARE NOT MEANT TO DO THIS ALONE.  Remember the support blog, maybe you need to reread that.  Your children will only benefit from having additional, positive people in their lives.  You are not failing, this is what thriving motherhood looks like!

Now what?  We know what this looks like and we know what not to do.  I’m a big believer in telling people what to do or asking questions to help them come to their own conclusions.  It just seems more helpful and research supports it.

Dark, train wreck happened to Person:

Find you team, suck it up and ask for help, let go of thinking people are judging you (they are not on your team. Who gives a poop of what they think), Find one thing that makes you happy and keep doing it until you find another, Ask others about what makes them feel happy, try those.  Call for help if feeling suicidal, sometimes a call will make all the difference.  Make plans to what ever you can as often as you can, think forward momentum and things to look forward to.  Find ways to be active no matter how big or small.  HAVE YOUR FEELINGS!  Alone, in front of people, in the closet….I don’t care where; denying and avoiding feelings is toxic.

Support people, tribe members, caregivers:

INSIST on helping, not intrusively but in subtle ways, think dishes, vacuuming, running errands, dinners.  DO NOT take away any freedoms the person has, support them using their abilities that are still in tack.  Find support groups for them, because they are to dark to do that, and make sure they are positive before passing on the information.  Help them be active, do it with them, it makes them feel less like a freak, there is also stellar research on how group type workouts are great. (Please for give me, I was having a Zumba moment) Do check ins that do not look life hovering, have a reason to call or check ins other than I just wanted to see how dark and twisty you are today.  Get your own support, this is hard on you too.  Seeing someone you care about fall apart emotionally or physically basically sucks.  You too need to “have your feelings”.   Be prepared to be angry, frustrated, upset, worried….again a long list…..with the person you are supporting; this will pass.

Well that’s it people.  I would love to tell you that I have never experienced my own train wreck moment, but I have and most of us will in one way or another.  I was able to write this from experience and educated knowledge.   I will promise that everyone’s train wreck will look different but I am confident I have given you the bones and you can fill in the rest.  Have anymore great ideas?  Think I’ve missed something?  Please share!

Peace!