Anxiety.  It has a definition that includes requirements of the manual used by clinicians but let me give you an insider look.

Anxiety is fueled by the fear of failure.  The failure of a system.  The failure of others.  The failure of self.  People with anxiety look for every opportunity of failure and dwell on it over and over until they have worked themselves into disfunction.

I personally struggle with anxiety and have more so recently due to failure in my body.  That failure has lead to career failure which effects financial failures…..you see how this can build up?  What do people say to me…..”Hang in there” “Just be patient” “It will all work out”.   These people are so supportive and caring!  And while I feel the support and welcome their help, I am no less anxious.  The irony of all of this is that anxiety can make my medical condition worse, actually it makes a lot of medical conditions worse.

Where does fear of failure start?  How does it keep growing?  How do I stop it?  I have been on this mission for a few weeks and this is what I have found.

My fear of failure started as a little kid.  I can’t pin point the day but I can actually remember times in softball being actually frozen by fear.  I had no idea how to tell people what was happening, it didn’t make sense to me then, but looking back now I was so afraid that I would stand at the plate and be frozen by my fear to fail.  I was afraid to let my team down, my parents down, my friends down, myself down.  Again, I look back and just wish someone would have told me the worst thing that could happen was in fact the very thing I was doing, but no one knew.  No one knew to ask and what to look for.  I played other sports and struggled with anxiety in them as well as school but I wasn’t the screaming for help, acting out, failing in school, friendless girl.  I didn’t truly learn about my anxiety until I was in my twenties in college taking a psychology course.  In class that day I had my “Holy Moly thats me” moment.

What we are seeing today, for whatever reason, is more kids that are just like me.  Some of them are screaming from the roof tops that they have anxiety and others are being a lot more quiet about it.  Lets not forget that there are many adults like me that are just now learning they have anxiety and don’t want to live that way any more.  Either way, we need more people, adults and kids, willing to help.  We need to be saying the right things to each other and we need to start changing this concept of failure.

Now I know most of you have heard a failure-success story.  You know how Michael Jordan didn’t make his freshman basketball team and look what he succeeded in doing.  The Wright Brothers failed how many times before getting a plane to fly.  How many medications were made to treat something specific and actually turned out to work for something else.

People FAILURE IS IMPORTANT!  Maybe we need to start telling each other that.  It’s inevitable, it’s possible, it’s even likely in some cases.  I like the saying “do your best” but it too conveys don’t fail because that’s not the best.  We need to start saying:

“Just give it a try.”  “The worst thing that could happen is giving up” “Show up, be there, try, don’t give up” “Work hard or your hardest” “Keep going” “You almost got it” “You’re getting closer” “I love how hard you are working at this”

Failure needs to start being okay.  Now, I’m not saying to watch your kid or friend fail at everything and just keep going like nothing is happening.  There is a step two to this process.  Ask questions:

“What do you think happened there” “What could be done different” “I have an idea if you would like to hear it” “I think there might be a better way for this to be done” “How can I help you”

See how that works, you acknowledge the failure without blame.  This allows the person time to heal and move on.  Repeated reminders of failure results in damaged egos that second guess everything.  Imagine a day where you constantly wonder, am I doing this right? Should I be doing something else?  Everyone is just watching me screw up.   It would be unbearable and that is what anxiety is in people.

So next time someone admits to you that they have anxiety, be part of the healing process.  Be supportive.  Don’t shame failure.  Lift people up emotionally.  Maybe we can all collectively reduce the amount of debilitating anxiety in this world.  Maybe we can raise a generation of children who don’t fuel each other’s anxiety.  Maybe we can change failure into you almost had it, keep going, you’ll figure it out.  We might just have a world of healthier egos ready to tackle some of the worlds biggest challenges as opposed to preforming tricks on You Tube to get the recognition they feel they need to get through the day.