Yeah so I have been missing for a while on the blog.

At one point I was feverishly trying to salvage my tiny practice.  And I have to say for a bit there, it was working.  And then it wasn’t, I mean it really wasn’t.  Migraines, headaches, syncope episodes out of control.   I found myself rescheduling rescheduled sessions and NOT be the therapist my clients, patients, or people needed.  So I stopped.  I stopped everything.  I need to get myself better before I can help other.  It’s the golden rule of therapy.  Except things are not going as planned.

Instead of getting things under control and leveled out, I am getting worse.  So the plan now is to go off the majority of the meds that were keeping me stable.   I am petrified of where this is going but where we were heading before was definitely not working.  So her I go on this slip’n slide of new symptoms.

Brain fog…this one is by far my least favorite!  There are times I literally can not follow a conversation.  Oh I will fake it and likely you will not know I’m struggling to keep up.  For someone like me who has always enjoyed writing and poetry, being at a loss of the right word and having no idea what is happening is infuriating!

Random vertigo….this one is fun and makes people who don’t know me think I’m drunk or high in the middle of the day with my three kids.  To add to the fun I usually have another adult with me to make me look like the mom who needs an escort to care for her children.  I want a shirt that says “I’m not an addict, I have invisible disease that is doing this to me.”  But lets be honest, anyone judging me would never take the time to read my shirt so all of them can just think the worst of me and express the worst of themselves!

Fatigue….Yep this one is my kids least favorite.  We can joke about mommy’s silly talking and my children hold my hands all the time now to keep my balance, but not being able to play with them is slowly breaking their hearts.  We used to play soccer in the back yard and I would pitch to them to practice hitting the ball.  I would jog while they rode their bikes and we would Zumba in the kitchen like no one was watching.  But NONE of that happens anymore.  I have found my children don’t know how to play without me.  Not sure if this one is epic fail or incredibly awesome but I HATE it.  I have gained, are you ready, 40 lbs since the beginning of this nonsense, which was February.  I weigh as much as I did when I gave birth to each of my children.  I loathe saying it but I won’t stop because I’m hoping it will remind me to find a way to make weight gain stop.

So all this adds up to always having an adult around.  They ask where I’m going when I get up, what I am doing, what do I need…..everything to get me to sit back down unless it is completely necessary.  What has this added up to?  Me being about as angry as I have every been in my entire life.  I wake up angry, I get angry at everyone I see, I go to bed angry, my kids deep down know how angry I am but I’m not sure everyone else does.  So what to I do about all this anger?  I don’t have the answers yet.  I can not workout to burn it off, I can’t go out with friends to take a break, I can’t work to be more fulfilled.  I just now that today is the day that I will start addressing it before it eats me alive!  So I will be back more to maybe write, write out my anger and find a new way to cope.  I have some great, and looking back funny stories about what this is doing to my life that one day I will look back and say that had to be part of this journey so I can be happier now.  Join me on my journey of laughing at this unknown invisible illness with me.

Talk soon, Peace!