So today is actually a bad day and yesterday was a worse day.  I ended up with a migraine that I thought I caught in time (yeah me), only to end up in the ER with scary chest pains and some serious reflux stuff happening.  It turns out that not only does my migraine medication cause chest pains but my reflux medication has not been working and I learned that the hard way.

I’m still on the path of getting off medications and trying to just handle pain, which it turns out I am not so good at.  My youngest keeps trying to hold me and give me kisses.  She’s 5 years old but she just knows I’m in pain looking at me.  So today I am going to laugh at myself a bit to see if that relieves the physical if not emotional pain that I am drowning in today.

One of the unexpected symptoms of this thing I have, dysautonomia, yeah say that 3 times fast, is I am losing muscle tone.  EVERYWHERE.  This might explain some of the weight gain I am having and the fact the nearly nothing in my closet fits.  But things like going up steps is a challenge, I used to take those bad boys two at a time.  So muscle tone goes further than arms and legs, people I am losing internal tone too.

It was gradual at first, at night I would race to bathroom and barely make it.  Oh I want to add to this that I give myself IV fluids daily and drink 100 oz a day.  I’m taking in some serious fluids.  Then I would start “to go” in bed and run to the bathroom finish, put my clothes in the washer, gather enough to start a load and do a load of laundry in the middle of the night.  Everyone does this right?!  My husband had no clue because it only happened a few times and the sheets never got wet.  At first I’m thinking, maybe I’m drinking to much too late or maybe I did my IV infusion too late or forgot to go before I went to bed.  At the next nurse visit, I have one visit me weekly, her name is Stacy she is super cool and I can tell her everything.  So I tell her, I like peed my pants last night in bed.  She nods and has no look of surprise or alarm.  Yeah your losing muscle tone and some of the meds your taking are probably making that worse, take into account you have 3 babies…..WHOOO what?  I am 36 years old and now I have a peeing my pants problem.  I just got my 5 year old off pull ups at night and you are telling me I need them?  Yes, oh yes that was what she was telling me and she told me it would get worse but I did not listen.  I thought no way, but oh yes people it did.

So first I had to have a talk with my husband.  Honey you know with all the fluids and my body getting weaker I’m going to have to start sleeping in depends.  Oh yeah that was a sexy conversation.  He totally took it in stride, like he had no reaction in his face.  Bless him he did not tease me at all to make light of the situation.  Which was a good choice on his part.  In motherly genius I start sleeping with a towel under me too because I know from my 5 year old that these things are not as reliable as they seem.  And from then on loads of laundry were getting done in the middle of the night.  Nothing was getting folded mind you but my husband never had to search far for a clean under shirt.

I thought that this was it, this is as bad as it is going to get.  No one will ever know.  But again this invisible disease had more surprises for me.  And before you all start going on and on about Kegel exercises and pelvic floor stability…..I do my exercises, I have for years and even had surgery to help after my hysterectomy.  I GET how these muscles work.  And now I get how they don’t.  One day, seconds, I mean seconds after an online session (so I was in my own home) I was walking (rushing) to the bathroom and clearly did not walk fast enough.  I actual felt the muscle give and no amount to clinching or squeezing was changing my situation.  I peed all over the floor literally in front of the bathroom door!

I, not so calmly, screamed for my husband in panic.  What is happening to me?  This was just a night time thing, I’m awake, what the (insert every curse word I know).  My husband comes around the corner, nods again, like before, says “Okay” and goes back to what he was doing.  Now he is either genius or crazy, I’m not sure which but his non-response allowed be to not flip out.  I took off my half soaked dress, dropped it in the puddle and proceeded upstairs to collect all the dirty towels to mop up my mess and do a load of laundry.  Bonus, I am getting lots of laundry done as you can clearly tell.  Thank goodness my children were not home so I did not have to explain this to them.  Thank goodness none of my neighbors were out to view my state of undress.  But I cleaned everything up, did the laundry, sat down and cried.  I have lost another thing, another sense of something I had control of, another part of my dignity to this illness that has decided to rear it’s ugly head in my life.

Now well, I laugh!  I listened to the book Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis.  (BTW this is what I do when I have a migraine, no lights, lay in bed and listen to someone read me a book at the volume I control.). And the book really made me think of the changes in my life and how I need to stop feeling sorry for myself.  I needed to laugh about the day I peed in the hallway and ran around half naked cleaning it up.  I needed to get over the fact that I have to wear depends because that is how it is for now.  You know they make them quite stylish now with flowers and bows.  I can still hold my children and love my husband for his complete understand (for the record that it what I am deciding to call it).  And more bonuses, some off the meds I was taking, that I’m getting away from, were culprits in my lack of muscle tone. Yep that wasn’t a good day and yesterday wasn’t a good day and today is looking about the same all for different reasons.  I just believe if I keep going and stay positive or laugh some of the time that something will just get better one day, even if it’s not all at once.

Until next time, Peace!

Yeah so I have been missing for a while on the blog.

At one point I was feverishly trying to salvage my tiny practice.  And I have to say for a bit there, it was working.  And then it wasn’t, I mean it really wasn’t.  Migraines, headaches, syncope episodes out of control.   I found myself rescheduling rescheduled sessions and NOT be the therapist my clients, patients, or people needed.  So I stopped.  I stopped everything.  I need to get myself better before I can help other.  It’s the golden rule of therapy.  Except things are not going as planned.

Instead of getting things under control and leveled out, I am getting worse.  So the plan now is to go off the majority of the meds that were keeping me stable.   I am petrified of where this is going but where we were heading before was definitely not working.  So her I go on this slip’n slide of new symptoms.

Brain fog…this one is by far my least favorite!  There are times I literally can not follow a conversation.  Oh I will fake it and likely you will not know I’m struggling to keep up.  For someone like me who has always enjoyed writing and poetry, being at a loss of the right word and having no idea what is happening is infuriating!

Random vertigo….this one is fun and makes people who don’t know me think I’m drunk or high in the middle of the day with my three kids.  To add to the fun I usually have another adult with me to make me look like the mom who needs an escort to care for her children.  I want a shirt that says “I’m not an addict, I have invisible disease that is doing this to me.”  But lets be honest, anyone judging me would never take the time to read my shirt so all of them can just think the worst of me and express the worst of themselves!

Fatigue….Yep this one is my kids least favorite.  We can joke about mommy’s silly talking and my children hold my hands all the time now to keep my balance, but not being able to play with them is slowly breaking their hearts.  We used to play soccer in the back yard and I would pitch to them to practice hitting the ball.  I would jog while they rode their bikes and we would Zumba in the kitchen like no one was watching.  But NONE of that happens anymore.  I have found my children don’t know how to play without me.  Not sure if this one is epic fail or incredibly awesome but I HATE it.  I have gained, are you ready, 40 lbs since the beginning of this nonsense, which was February.  I weigh as much as I did when I gave birth to each of my children.  I loathe saying it but I won’t stop because I’m hoping it will remind me to find a way to make weight gain stop.

So all this adds up to always having an adult around.  They ask where I’m going when I get up, what I am doing, what do I need…..everything to get me to sit back down unless it is completely necessary.  What has this added up to?  Me being about as angry as I have every been in my entire life.  I wake up angry, I get angry at everyone I see, I go to bed angry, my kids deep down know how angry I am but I’m not sure everyone else does.  So what to I do about all this anger?  I don’t have the answers yet.  I can not workout to burn it off, I can’t go out with friends to take a break, I can’t work to be more fulfilled.  I just now that today is the day that I will start addressing it before it eats me alive!  So I will be back more to maybe write, write out my anger and find a new way to cope.  I have some great, and looking back funny stories about what this is doing to my life that one day I will look back and say that had to be part of this journey so I can be happier now.  Join me on my journey of laughing at this unknown invisible illness with me.

Talk soon, Peace!

Alright people I’m a little fired up today.  This month is Autism awareness, Child Abuse Awareness, National Mental Health Month, and Sexual Assault Awareness Month.  Why do we need months of the year designated to remember that these things exist and we need to be compassionate about them?

Here’s the thing, we are judging each other left and right.  Why is that lady acting so crazy?  What is up with that kid?  That parent needs to do someone about that child’s behavior.  You’ve read the quote many times on social media….”You never know what kind of battle someone is fighting.  Be kind and watch you words.”  Well your words are also you facial expression, body language, and the conversation that you have with your friends.

Everyone, and I really mean everyone, is fighting a battle that you probably don’t know about.  There are so many silent diagnoses that we don’t wear like a scarlet letter on our chest.  And yet you make many assumptions about the inadequacies of others.

A child having a meltdown at the grocery store may be over stimulated, traumatized, or terrified.  If you knew that would you look at them the same way and have the same comments in your head?

The person who looks over their shoulder repeatedly or instantly changes their behavior is likely fearing for their life and panicking.  You have no idea what happened to them to make them think that way.

The person with the handicap placard may not need a wheelchair but may be using the last bit of their energy to buy food for their family that they are working to support.

People silently suffer and struggle to get through life and overcome their challenges, become better, more productive human beings.  Child grow, learn, and develop by the way the world and adults support and treat them.  And many of you judge them silently because you have the privilege of not having that extra hurtle in your life.

I work with people who struggle with these issues and they always say, “But what will people think if they found out?  Should we tell people?  But what if it happens in public?”  They truly fear you, your thoughts, and judgement.

I truly believe that God looked at each one of us and thought the world needs you.  I may never understand why and you many never understand why.  But try to look for the lesson, the meaning, the understanding and let yourself grow a little in that moment.  Sometimes this may be offering help, sometimes that may being an example of how to act, redirecting attention, speaking up if you are brave enough.  It’s up to you to be more compassionate and understanding then spread that like wild fire.

Every month should be compassion awareness month, how about we just put that on our calendars.

Ok, Ok, Ok I know what you all are probably thinking.  You can’t be positive all the time. Or can’t we just be ok with things being bad sometimes? Or the last thing anyone needs is someone preaching to them to slap a smile on their face and fake happiness.  This isn’t really what I’m talking about.

First and always, I want everyone to embrace any feeling that they are having and allow themselves time to sit in the feeling for a bit.  This is not about denying the having of a feeling.  But what happens is those uncomfortable feelings–side note: I do not call them bad feelings because there is nothing bad about them, they are nothing to be ashamed of, they are just not usually fun to have and others often don’t know how to handle it when you have them–the uncomfortable feelings take over our entire self and become in control.  Lets think about this, would you ever want any feeling to be in complete control over you all the time?  That lack of balance creates an intensely unhealthy mental state.  So back to uncomfortable feelings–anxiety, sadness, anger, jealousy–I’m sure we could go on here.  But to have them and acknowledge them is ok, but there comes a point when you need to walk away from that feeling and move towards positivity.  I wish I could give you a very specific time frame but I can’t.  Your body, lifestyle, friends, co-workers, and responsibilities will give you clues when it is time.

When it is time, you really have to work hard and at not letting the uncomfortable feeling consume your total thought process.  There has been scientific evidence that faking a smile will release “feel good” chemicals in the brain therefore making you feel happier but thats not really what we are talking about here.  This is good old fashion looking for the rainbow in the storm, looking on the bright side of life, seeing the good in things.  You and everyone, yes I really believe this, can think and talk themselves into feeling something different.  I’m not saying it will be quick, easy, or even a drastic change but it WILL BE improvement.

Example:  Myself, I have been dealing with some medical stuff that has been so life changing that initially I was not in a happy place.  Uncomfortable feelings galore..angry, frustrated, sad, (well devastated) hopeless, etc… I could have stayed there for a very long time.  It actually would have been very easy; many of my little freedoms were removed, and I was not able to get up and move much.  I spent my time having my feelings, probably a little bigger, louder, and more openly than the people who were around me were comfort with.  But had them I did!  Then one day scrolling through a support group Facebook page I stubbled upon someone who has gotten to the right doctor, the one we are all on the waitlist for, and was feeling so much better she was able to returned to exercising.  That was the moment I realized there was hope, I will Zumba again, it may be a little different but I will wear those crazy clothes again.  I will be able to get on the floor hour after hour and have play therapy sessions eventually.  The change in my thinking was gradual but there.  Every day was one day less on the waiting list.  Each day I found my victory big or small.  I am embracing my progress as opposed to crying while watching Zumba videos teaching choreography that I can’t do.  I am finding small things I can do as opposed to verbally spouting about everything I can’t do anymore.  I am not allowed to drive people!  Which as a mother of 3 with activities is crazy frustrating, but now I am enjoying the adult company I have in the car to and from events.

You can do this on big and small levels.  You can change your whole life and demeanor by changing to more positive thinking daily.

Anxiety – Instead of feeling overwhelmed and worried about the day, break the day down in pieces that you know you can be successful completing, and enjoy checking them off your list.

Depression – Set a new thing to overcome everyday, even if its starting by getting out of bed.  Do that and be proud of yourself for doing it.  Hey, at least I can get out of bed today.

Trauma – Wow I was just triggered, I may not have handled it well but at least I understand it’s a trigger now.

There is always a better way to look at things.  You may not be good at this at first, you may need to use a journal to brainstorm, a friend, a therapist, or support group to help you see the positive.  It will become a habit and like any habit it comes easier in time.

You can choose if you want to spread your thought changing or if you want to silently dwell in your change, but people are likely to notice and you will feel so much more balanced mentally.  Balance is always the goal, hard to achieve and hard to maintain, but now you know how!

Remember, first have and feel the uncomfortable feeling, then take the time to change your thinking!

If you have questions feel free to reach out to me, if you need help doing this, I am here.  Ask yourself today, am I see the positive?

Here’s to achieving more balance!

Peace

No I’m not talking about the love that you feel for another person that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy.  Not the silly smile that appears on your face when you think about them.  Not even the lasting love for someone for their strengths and challenges.

I’m talking about self love.  When did this become not a thing we do?  We talk about relationships incessantly with our friends and family but when was the last time you talked about the love that you have discovered for yourself?

This can take many shapes and forms.  The easiest and most obvious is the one person you see in the mirror.  We are bombarded with nutrition information to make yourself whatever form is most popular.  We jump on every fitness bandwagon there is so what we see in the mirror is something we can love.

We need to change our thinking.  I have asked you to do this in other ways but lets start with love for ourselves.  Who looks at their kid or fur baby or mother and thinks I would love you if only……NO!  No we do not do that! We start with unconditional love then address challenge and embrace strengths.

How to start?  People love you!  Someone loves you no matter what, family, friends, (in my opinion) God.  They love you.  You need to accept the fact that you are indeed lovable and loved.  And be ok with loving yourself as well.  Now I’m not says you go around thinking that you are the most amazing being on earth.  Just wake up everyday with love in your heart for yourself.  So thats the easy part.

We change, we change the way we think, the way we view the world, our jobs, our cars, our house, our bodies, our health, our finances.  We change daily sometimes in small ways and big in some ways.  Sometimes the change happens over time and you have to keep working at the love you have for you.

I’m in my mid-thirties and I thought I had this figured out.  There are qualities that I love about myself and some that I know I needed to work on.  I was solid in my faith and religion and on a path that I thought was leading to growth.  I have my master’s degree, I was working on becoming a kinda expert in something I was passionate about.  I have a wonderful family and solid friendship.  I was healthy to my standards and enjoyed to workouts I chose for myself.  Then life changed.  And I have to tell you, I am at square one on loving myself.  And it is disheartening, horrifying, and humbling.

This is how I am restarting.  I am finding one thing that I still love about me everyday.  My husband calls it stubbornness but I call it being driven.  I am driven to not be defeated by this change.  I have to tell you, for now, that is all I have somedays.  That one thing.  Other days I find another, but like learning a new skill, its hard to do it well daily.  I guess my skill level is inconsistent at best these days.  You may find you do this too.  So start today and find one thing to love about yourself.  I would suggest it is not found in the mirror but in your spirit or personality.  Lets all just start there and add bit by bit, day by day.  There are so many things to love about yourself but it will take time to see them all.  I have faith that we will all be there or be there again if we commit to it.  No one wants to live life like an insecure teenager forever.

I will warn you, the world will not make this easy.  People are not always so kind and we are so judgmental of each other.  Why do we do this; we are all on the same hard journey?  I can tell you my journey is so hard right now I have no business telling anyone that they are a mess.  I can however welcome them to travel with me on the path of change if they would like.  I can tell you what I have learned so far and I promise to support you one this journey.  If you keep your focus inward on loving you and making the changes you need to make, and lifting others up; then you won’t hear what others are saying and eventually you just won’t care.  That is just part of their journey.

Who’s with me?  What are some of the strengths you are starting with today?  Are you willing to lift others up too?

Peace on your journey!