Anxiety.  It has a definition that includes requirements of the manual used by clinicians but let me give you an insider look.

Anxiety is fueled by the fear of failure.  The failure of a system.  The failure of others.  The failure of self.  People with anxiety look for every opportunity of failure and dwell on it over and over until they have worked themselves into disfunction.

I personally struggle with anxiety and have more so recently due to failure in my body.  That failure has lead to career failure which effects financial failures…..you see how this can build up?  What do people say to me…..”Hang in there” “Just be patient” “It will all work out”.   These people are so supportive and caring!  And while I feel the support and welcome their help, I am no less anxious.  The irony of all of this is that anxiety can make my medical condition worse, actually it makes a lot of medical conditions worse.

Where does fear of failure start?  How does it keep growing?  How do I stop it?  I have been on this mission for a few weeks and this is what I have found.

My fear of failure started as a little kid.  I can’t pin point the day but I can actually remember times in softball being actually frozen by fear.  I had no idea how to tell people what was happening, it didn’t make sense to me then, but looking back now I was so afraid that I would stand at the plate and be frozen by my fear to fail.  I was afraid to let my team down, my parents down, my friends down, myself down.  Again, I look back and just wish someone would have told me the worst thing that could happen was in fact the very thing I was doing, but no one knew.  No one knew to ask and what to look for.  I played other sports and struggled with anxiety in them as well as school but I wasn’t the screaming for help, acting out, failing in school, friendless girl.  I didn’t truly learn about my anxiety until I was in my twenties in college taking a psychology course.  In class that day I had my “Holy Moly thats me” moment.

What we are seeing today, for whatever reason, is more kids that are just like me.  Some of them are screaming from the roof tops that they have anxiety and others are being a lot more quiet about it.  Lets not forget that there are many adults like me that are just now learning they have anxiety and don’t want to live that way any more.  Either way, we need more people, adults and kids, willing to help.  We need to be saying the right things to each other and we need to start changing this concept of failure.

Now I know most of you have heard a failure-success story.  You know how Michael Jordan didn’t make his freshman basketball team and look what he succeeded in doing.  The Wright Brothers failed how many times before getting a plane to fly.  How many medications were made to treat something specific and actually turned out to work for something else.

People FAILURE IS IMPORTANT!  Maybe we need to start telling each other that.  It’s inevitable, it’s possible, it’s even likely in some cases.  I like the saying “do your best” but it too conveys don’t fail because that’s not the best.  We need to start saying:

“Just give it a try.”  “The worst thing that could happen is giving up” “Show up, be there, try, don’t give up” “Work hard or your hardest” “Keep going” “You almost got it” “You’re getting closer” “I love how hard you are working at this”

Failure needs to start being okay.  Now, I’m not saying to watch your kid or friend fail at everything and just keep going like nothing is happening.  There is a step two to this process.  Ask questions:

“What do you think happened there” “What could be done different” “I have an idea if you would like to hear it” “I think there might be a better way for this to be done” “How can I help you”

See how that works, you acknowledge the failure without blame.  This allows the person time to heal and move on.  Repeated reminders of failure results in damaged egos that second guess everything.  Imagine a day where you constantly wonder, am I doing this right? Should I be doing something else?  Everyone is just watching me screw up.   It would be unbearable and that is what anxiety is in people.

So next time someone admits to you that they have anxiety, be part of the healing process.  Be supportive.  Don’t shame failure.  Lift people up emotionally.  Maybe we can all collectively reduce the amount of debilitating anxiety in this world.  Maybe we can raise a generation of children who don’t fuel each other’s anxiety.  Maybe we can change failure into you almost had it, keep going, you’ll figure it out.  We might just have a world of healthier egos ready to tackle some of the worlds biggest challenges as opposed to preforming tricks on You Tube to get the recognition they feel they need to get through the day.

Recently a friend of mine had a hard time getting her child to walk.  He had everything down but the confidence to do it on his own.  I think events like this happen frequently in life.  Child who have issue with being distracted, impatient, a worrier, a perfectionist, impulsive, and having low self-esteem are particularly prone to these experiences.  As parents, caregivers, loved ones, significant others, and teachers we get frustrated with them easily.

“You know how to do this, why not just try”. “You almost have it just give it one more try.” “You had it yesterday, what happened?”

Odds are they are terrified fail, don’t have the focus needed to finish the task and have found quitting or taking an easier route has worked in the past.  They will fight you, refuse, give up, and get angry many of times.  So what to we do about that?

Recognized every step of success and praise that specifically.  Not because we want to make children reliant on praise.  Some children just don’t see the things they have accomplished.  When I say specific, I mean VERY SMALL specific things.  Sometimes they are hard to find but they are there.  ALWAYS praise persistence and hard work.  What’s the worst that can happen, the child becomes a persistent, hard worker?  This doesn’t just apply to children.  You all know that adult that is like “forget it, I’ll have someone else do it” or “I’ll just do something else instead.”  You can be a more helpful person and parent to them to help build them up to reach their current challenge.

Acknowledge how hard it is to learn a new things.  Acknowledge that just because you get it one day, we have to do it many times to master something.  Tell them a story about something that was hard for you.  They are not the first, nor will they be the last that has trouble leaning something new.  Not everything comes easy to everyone, they need reminding of this.

Embrase the baby steps, they need someone on their side!

So when do we give them the extra push.  Some people can just get stuck at some point.  Consider this person may need therapy if a little pushing and motivation doesn’t work, but until you get to that point…… Take the baby steps, acknowledge obstacles, brainstorm ways to overcome the obstacles.  Every little movement is a victory, every mastered point is something to be celebrated specifically.  Take small breaks of you need to, try again tomorrow, let them do something they have mastered in the between.

We all have challenges, just some of us are better equipped to deal with them.  If this is you, it’s your job to lift others up.  This is part of being a good human.  You will see how others will be happier, less angry, and frustrated.  One day you may need someone do this for you, wouldn’t you want this kind of help and support?

Congratulations on being part of the good side, the patient side, the supportive, loving and more peaceful side.  Share your successes, I’d love to hear about it and it may just motivate the next person.

Peace!

Let’s start out with that all kids do not need therapy.  What all kids and families need is a tribe.  When one person or two are the main or only caregivers it looks like this.

“You always tell me what to do.”  “You’re mean to me all the time.”  “How come I always have to do stuff.” “Why can’t you just leave me alone.” “No!” “I think you don’t like me.”  “All you ever do is tell me what I’m doing wrong.” “You don’t know everything.” “Thats that not the way (enter any task) is done.”

Ok this does look like a strong willed child.  When did that become a bad thing?  Don’t we want to raise children to think about things?  Don’t we want them to question, “Should we be doing this?”  “Is this a good thing” “Why are we doing this”  We want them to think for themselves until they are questioning us.  Yep raising a strong willed child is challenging.  But you might be raising a leader, a game changer, an outside the box thinker; what an awesome thing?!  I laugh when I tell parents this because they get all excited then stop and say, “Yeah but it’s really hard!

So the real question is how to we raise them without daily arguments?  How do we encourage their thought growth and maintain our parenting authority?  How to we keep from hating them on days when all you need them to do is the one simple task you asked of them?  Here is the answer:     You need a tribe!

Who says we have to be the person to teach our child every little thing.  This is why we have teachers, coaches, and leaders of groups.  Your children will hear it from them.  Somethings they need to hear from two people to believe it’s true.  Sometimes they see the other person as an expert when Mom or Dad (whether the have the credentials or not) is just not the expert in their eyes.

Let me give you an example.  My daughter wanted a specific hair cut.  I personally have very liberal thoughts on my kids hair and what them to be free to express themselves but she had this very definite idea of what she wanted.  I thought, no way, that is not going to go the way you want, it’s not going to be what you think it will be and you are going to be so angry after.  Been there done that! So like the responsible parent I told her, quite nicely actually, I don’t think you are going to like that.  Then world war III broke out in our house.  I looked at my husband in confusion.  His thoughts were let her do it, she’ll hate it and learn her lesson. I was thinking this was going to lead to months of hair arguments that I was not ready to sign up for but what else can I do, right?  So we go to my hair dresser, who is fabulous by the way, and I watch my daughter climb into the seat and proudly declare the look she is wanting.  This woman very simply explained everything I had already said.  She offered a few alternatives and that was the end of the hair war.

I sat there thinking, WHAT? I told her that?  Why doesn’t she believe me, I’m her mother?!  The truth is that she learned that I don’t know everything somewhere along the way.  She learned that I will always be here for her, I will accept all her feelings good and bad, I will find the answer and care for her unconditionally.  I am no longer an expert in her eyes, and thats ok.

So you need a village of experts to turn to in almost every situation.  So this person doesn’t actually need to be an expert for real, just in your child’s eyes.  My daughter will listen to her soccer coach more than she will ever listened to me and I played, he didn’t.  My daughter will listen to her teacher on the correct way to do math, even if I see her come to the wrong answer, her teacher caught her error and was able to help her fix it.  My daughter will listen to the lady at the store downtown about how much she doesn’t want a boot with a heel.  Her grandmother will know how much jelly is too much jelly better than me, even if she’s the very person who taught me the same thing.  Big, small, daily, occasionally–my tribe will put out fires I don’t even have to address.  GOD BLESS THEM ALL!  They are my tribe and I love them all no matter how well I know them.

You need a tribe! Don’t think too hard about it, you probably have a good start on one or you may already have one.  You, yourself are part of someone’s tribe.  Just learn when to surrender your authority to them and when to bring them in, raising your children will be drastically different!

Love your tribe, embrace your tribe, do not be ashamed of needing a tribe.  Tell us about members of your tribe that we all need to have, share ways to be tribe members, share ideas and thoughts.  You have ideas I’ve never thought of.  We will collectively get this whole parenting thing down!

Peace Tribe!

You go to work all day long and fulfill the demands of your job duties.  You have have good days, bad days, and meh days.  Maybe you love your job and it gives you purpose and happiness.  Maybe you hate your job and it’s what has to be done to play the bills.

You stay at home all day with the children, cleaning mess after mess, meeting demand after demand.  Sometimes all you do is meet the needs of another person or people.  You love everything about them and they can drive you crazy in ways that can never be explained.  You long to give them every experience possible.  Sometimes you feel appreciated and sometime no one even notices the many hats you wear in one day.  Maybe you do this by choice or maybe the cost of daycare is just too high.

You are expected to eat right, exercise, and stay healthy.  You search for financial stability or financially thriving.  You are expected to follow all the rules, be the best friend, volunteer, support others, attend church and be a productive member of society.

And then 5:00pm hits…dinner, homework, projects, extracurricular activities, cleaning, maybe care for animal family members, people coming home, people leaving, you name it.  No matter who you are, where you work, or the number of involvements you have; this time of the day is just a whirlwind of nonsensical chaos.

So what do we do?  We lose our temper, get anxious, feel overwhelmed, succumb to being drained by the stress of the day and everyone around you gets the absolute worst version of you.  YOU are not alone.  There are so many homes that run this way and so many people thinking “I have got to be doing this wrong because life is just too hard.”

My guess is that you are doing to much.  You are following the definition of success set by someone else and IT. IS. IMPOSSIBLE.  There are too many things and you will not succeed at all of them and start to feel like a failure. This starts a downward spiral that can lead to no where good.  Do yourself a favor: Set your own definition of success.  I’m not kidding, don’t listen to the Webster dictionary or the lates news trend or whatever specialist is on TV spouting about what will make you instantly successful.  Make YOUR OWN definition, then do it.  Reevaluate everything you do, does that lead to you definition of success?  Really think about it.  Rate your priorities.  Then make the change, the switch, commit to your new success.  You will find yourself calmer at the end of the day, more open to the needs of your family and friends. That 5 o’clock chaos will still be there, but it will be manageable because it, like every other hour of the day, will pass.  Then you can ENJOY the other hours in your evening meeting the priorities that you have set for yourself with much more ease.  Lets collectively put an end to keeping up with the Jones’s and spend more time finding and living our own peace.

Here we go, this is a key starting point!

I’ve been getting questions about how to bond better with their children, help them with anxiety, and support them with different disorders.  I am so excited to be able to help you all of this and I truly believe there are answers on how to cope for every. single. one.

To begin with, there are no quick fixes.  There is a lot of trial and error because every child is so different it is hard to publish a one size fits all program.  There are lots of them out there and books you can read but here is the truth.  To get real answers, you need one on one attention.  So I recommend that if you are in true search of answers, you have to be willing to do two things.

One:  Be ready to look at yourself first.  Every relationship is a delicate dance, waltzing on your own is very different than with a partner.  Parenting, marriage, friendships, and relationship is going to need two people who are willing to make the changes.  Anytime I work with a child’s behaviors AT LEAST 50% of the work is with the parent.  I am not here to criticize anyone.  I truly believe all people are innately good and have the best of intentions.  Every parent is doing the best they can with what they know and what they have.  Thats great, unless it isn’t working!  This is why I am so heavily promoting 30 minute parenting consulting sessions.  I do not bill insurance because insurance companies do not understand that to help one child, the program needs to be a little different.  This gives us the opportunity to provide the therapeutic freedom to make the changes.  So if you are looking for real change in your child, this is likely where you need to start.

Two:  You need to make yourself a priority.  Everyone says once you have a child your whole life changes.  They become your highest priority, they come first and you will have to be ready to put yourself last.  That’s POPPYCOCK!  If you are giving so much of yourself that there is nothing left; how loving, supportive, and emotionally available can you possibly be?  I use the empty cup example.  If you have a cup of water and you give a little to every person you see all day long every time they need it, will there be any left for you in the end?  How long can one live on an empty cup of water?  What we then tend to do is binge on something and think it will last.  Again, no judgment here, been there done that.  As soon as you come off the vacation, you are at square one all over again.  What you need is a daily, yes DAILY, filling of your cup.  I don’t know any of you well enough to know what will fill your cup.  My guess is you already have some idea about what that is.  I don’t like throwing out ideas a people because most of us start with excuses.  My suggestion:  Get rid of all your excuses first!  Next, find something that feels wonderful when you do it and put permitters on it before you start.  Please evaluate the healthiness of the thing, whatever it is.  Find something, anything that will give you a boost in just 5 minutes.  Find inside things, find outside things, find things you can do in small spaces and in big spaces.  Get yourself an arsenal of things that will fill your cup daily and make it as important as drinking water.  Because it is as important to your mental health as drinking water is to your physical health.

If you can do this on your own, good for you.  Most of can not.  Most of us are so stuck in our limitations and excuses that we will never start and live our lives with empty cups.  If you have friends and family that are brave enough to be honest with you, let them support you and help you do the work.  If you need more help, I am here.  I can help you fill your own cup to make you a better parent, friend, significant other, and human being.  I am here when you are ready.  Until then, look at your cup and decide what you are going to do about it.

Peace!