Bold people, I’ve done my best, but this is heavy stuff.

Alright so here is the truth of life.  We are going along everything is fine you think you have got this DOWN!  Home and work life balance, financially stable, heading in a good place….you feel HAPPY! Then “IT”, (I call them train wrecks, let’s not go into why) happens.

Your train wreck could be anything, an unexpected, plan altering, “What the poppycock just happened to my life!?” moment.  You feel an array of feelings, some of which that are unidentifiable. Let me be clear first by saying this thing only needs to be life changing in your eyes.  Others will say really unsupportive things that they mean to be supportive like, “Hey there are options, its not over.”  This! This is about one of the most infuriating things. We do this to each other without meaning to (this is where we have to tell ourselves not to hate people and they are genuinely trying), we use what could be a really great therapeutic tool of putting things in perspective or normalizing events and twist them to sound minimizing.  NO ONE wants their feelings to be minimized!

Then, the really crazy thing that starts is the process of everything getting worse.  Anyone seen, read, heard of this wizard called Harry Potter?  Well if you haven’t, Im sorry, but the author J.K. Rowling gives the best description of this that I have every found.  There is a being, thing, creature that should you encounter it will sucks all the happiness from you and only leaves the bad.  When you have a train wreck moment happen in your life, the bad already out way the good.  This imaginary creature will show up in your life, fully unwelcome, and do it’s worst to you.  In the world of behavioral health we call this depression.  For some people it’s short, for other’s it’s lasting and reoccurring, but it sneaks into every part of your life and soul; work, family, friendships, recreational activities, school, marriages, sleep, religion…the list is kinda long here.

So you look around and find nothing but darkness, IT IS AWFUL!  “People say let me help you.” “What can I do?”  “What needs to be done?”  And you know how we reply, “Oh no, everything is fine” “Nope, I got it.” WE LIE!  Pants on fire, kind of lying.  And you know what, they know that but we all play along and polity say, “Well just let me know, I’m here.”  Here is the big thing….the train wreck person, you are in such a dark place the “I’m here” lights are too far way and you can’t see them.

Mommy time:  This is you sometimes after a baby is born, this is you when you hit a LARGE bump in the road that you have decided you should handle on your own, sometimes the train wreck event is actually happening to your child and it’s your job to fix things.  STOP! STOP! STOP IT NOW!  You are now responsible for the happiness and well being of more than one person.  You are less likely to reach out for help.  We have come up with this silly thought that once you become a mom you need to morph into Wonder Woman at all times.  Guess what, you might be able to do that on occasion but this is not one.  YOU ARE NOT MEANT TO DO THIS ALONE.  Remember the support blog, maybe you need to reread that.  Your children will only benefit from having additional, positive people in their lives.  You are not failing, this is what thriving motherhood looks like!

Now what?  We know what this looks like and we know what not to do.  I’m a big believer in telling people what to do or asking questions to help them come to their own conclusions.  It just seems more helpful and research supports it.

Dark, train wreck happened to Person:

Find you team, suck it up and ask for help, let go of thinking people are judging you (they are not on your team. Who gives a poop of what they think), Find one thing that makes you happy and keep doing it until you find another, Ask others about what makes them feel happy, try those.  Call for help if feeling suicidal, sometimes a call will make all the difference.  Make plans to what ever you can as often as you can, think forward momentum and things to look forward to.  Find ways to be active no matter how big or small.  HAVE YOUR FEELINGS!  Alone, in front of people, in the closet….I don’t care where; denying and avoiding feelings is toxic.

Support people, tribe members, caregivers:

INSIST on helping, not intrusively but in subtle ways, think dishes, vacuuming, running errands, dinners.  DO NOT take away any freedoms the person has, support them using their abilities that are still in tack.  Find support groups for them, because they are to dark to do that, and make sure they are positive before passing on the information.  Help them be active, do it with them, it makes them feel less like a freak, there is also stellar research on how group type workouts are great. (Please for give me, I was having a Zumba moment) Do check ins that do not look life hovering, have a reason to call or check ins other than I just wanted to see how dark and twisty you are today.  Get your own support, this is hard on you too.  Seeing someone you care about fall apart emotionally or physically basically sucks.  You too need to “have your feelings”.   Be prepared to be angry, frustrated, upset, worried….again a long list…..with the person you are supporting; this will pass.

Well that’s it people.  I would love to tell you that I have never experienced my own train wreck moment, but I have and most of us will in one way or another.  I was able to write this from experience and educated knowledge.   I will promise that everyone’s train wreck will look different but I am confident I have given you the bones and you can fill in the rest.  Have anymore great ideas?  Think I’ve missed something?  Please share!

Peace!

Anxiety I believe is one of the most misunderstood feelings in the world today.  This is likely because it a chameleon, taking various shapes, sizes, and colors.  Let me give you a few examples……

[Again with the bold, but read at least one of the examples.  Something like one of these has happened to you]

No, No, No I will not go in my bed, not with the lights on, not with a monster spray, not while you are gone away, not with a lamp or with a blanky, or a stuffed animal I named fluffy.  I will not, will not sleep I say because I’m afraid the second you go away!

“Mom I can’t ride the bus” “Why is that” “Because the girl I sit with is mean” “Well how is she mean” “The person who gets off the bus first should sit in the isle seat and she likes the isle seat” “Can you take turns?”  “No we can’t take turns, the bus goes the same route every time” (Parenting thought WHAT?!?) “Yes they do that so its the same every day so people know what time the kids will get off the bus.”  “Yeah but if I’m on the window seat not standing at my stop I will end up at her stop then what will happen, everyone will think I’m lost or something, MOM you CANNOT STAND when the bus is moving” “Ok? why don’t you tell her your concerns?” “Mom you aren’t listening,” . she could miss her stop too!”

“I can’t eat this” “Why not” “it’s not cut right, it has to be triangles, not squares” “You liked squares last week.” “Yeah but then I puked, so squares make me puke, I’m never eating anything square again” [Person thinking what]….Anyone who refuses to eat someplace because they got sick that one time.

“This is all wrong, my outfit looks horrible, my hair won’t fix right, everyone is going to laugh at me.” “You look nice, everyone is not going to laugh at you.” “My teacher (or boss) hates me.”  “Your teacher (or boss) is very nice and likes you, he/she has said that, to you.” “My stomach hurts.” “You just need eat something.” “I can’t my stomach hurts.” [Insert cry, yelling, screaming, hiding in the bathroom]…..

“Ok, park there.” “I don’t like that spot.” “Ok, park there.” “The car next to it parked funny.” “Ok well we need to park somewhere.” “I know, I’ll find a spot.”  “Ohohoh there is one up close.” “Too many people.” [Passenger getting aggravated and confused]

Ok some of these are easier than others.  What you can see is how this spiral thinking leads to some dark places.  In psychomumbojumbo, we call this catastrophic thinking and basically means people with anxiety believe the absolute worst possibility is likely to happen.  Now is everyone like this?  No, No. No!  And lets take a moment to thank GOD that we are not all alike.  But as a parent, as a partner, as a friend, and as a human, you have to understand that some of us STRUGGLE with anxiety.  Some struggle hard and others only some.  Here’s a big piece to know first, not everyone knows what they have is anxiety because unless someone tells you it’s not normal, you convince yourself it’s totally normal.  Everyone just wants to be normal!

Step one to anxiety:  Recognize the anxiety!  People who have done the work, and by work I’m saying attended therapy or counseling, will be able to do this on their own much of the the time.  Your job is to be able to gently point it out WITHOUT JUDGEMENT!  If it feels like I’m yelling this, I am! This is SO SO SO SO important.  Just because it isn’t a real concern for you doesn’t mean it isn’t a real concern for them.

Step two to anxiety:  Offer help.  This can be as simple as “How can I help?” “What can I do for you?” “Talk me though what is happening right now.”  Do not just take over, this will send many people into a tailspin and how on earth are they supposed to get control over themselves if you are the one in control?!

Finally, be an understanding human being.  You are not meant to understand every single person’s thoughts and feelings.  You don’t have to agree with them.  You are not likely to change their thinking, ever or in this moment–that is really what therapy is for and you are not likely a therapist or in a position to be a therapist for this person.  Be patient; really simple concept, hard to do when you think the person in front of you is losing their mind, but just do your best.  This and I really mean this, your impatience is only going to make things worse.  Think long and hard–Do you want that?

Here is some real truth on anxiety…big anxiety moments pass.  Yep, the age old sayings Life Goes On and This too shall pass.  But it does, anxious moments pass.  You need to let go of them just as much as the anxious person.  Does anyone really want to be remembered or judged based off their worst moments?

Other things to know….Anxiety comes with happy times and sad times.  Fun events and dreaded events.  Anniversaries, reminders, smells, tastes, touch, sights, and sounds.  Some of you are thinking, What?  Who here is who loves the holiday time of year and how many people find their anxiety increase around holiday time?  Ever drank too much of one type of alcohol, got one whiff, and the whole night comes instantly back and your first thought is “Never Again.”  See! you understand how anxiety starts, you just have to take the time to slow down to understand.

Therapy point….see someone if anxiety is interfering with your life or if you are unable to stop the negative spiral of thinking.  Do it for yourself and everyone in your life; life doesn’t have to be this hard.  Therapy isn’t easy but it’s really not scary, we want to help you and know how.

Really what this all boils down to is…..we all have our hangups, or things that set us off or times that feel out of control.  Instead of judging the person who is struggling, be compassionate, be open-minded, be supportive, be the amazing human being you were put on this earth to be.  And please share the peace you found with us all.

Hello very sad, upset, and frustrated people. Our nation has seen quite a week of sorrow and we are all looking for someone to blame. I’m sorry to be the messenger however it’s every-single-one-of-us!

Nobold today, gotta read this one all the way through.

There are many things tragedies like these have in common, but the one that sticks out the most is the silent call for help from this ugly thing we call mental illness. The name itself leads to stigma first of all. We call heart disease just that, and diabetes well that but we call emotional suffering “mental illness”. We say “it’s all in your head.” Like it’s as make believe as pixie dust. But it’s not! People they can see what is inside the head of trauma victims, depressed people, and how anxiety looks on an MRI. It’s as much in our heads as a brain tumor or concussion!

Now that we understand what it is, we need to stop talking about it in hushed tones and whispers. I have anxiety and the people around me know and understand it because I have explained it to them. They know how and when to help me because they are brave enough to take time to learn about it. YOU! Yes, YOU, reading this need to be the same way. That way these people will not feel the need or be able to hide. Everyone around them will look at them the way you do the person is actively getting a sunburn. Most people would say “Hey did you put something on that, it looks kinda red. I have some sunscreen if you need it.” Only it would go like like this, “You’ve been looking a little down lately, how are you managing, how can I help?” It’s really is no more strange if you look at it without the stigma. We are all capable of getting a sunburn and we are all capable of needing emotional support, even professionally, at some point in our lives. It’s so common there are times in ones life that have been pinpointed as problematic by studies done on humans for years. We call it an adjustment and sometimes it’s really hard!

For sake of everyone’s lives! STOP WHISPERING! Just ask someone because you could be the game changer for someone. You could be the support they needed to not pick up that gun, you could be the reason they decided to go the doctor and not school that day, you could be the person they call to rethink things instead of ending another’s life! Be the one to help or call for help. Maybe, just maybe, if we all do this we’ll find ourselves being a little more compassionate, a little more open, and a little more alive.

So now that we have established that raising children isn’t the blissful dream that we all thought it would be and the term “hot mess” applies to just about everything but no one knows quite what it means; lets figure out where to go from here.

Again here, bold words if you’re short on time and just read the last paragraph and such because that is too much bold to be made bold.

Support, Support, Support

When I look into research measuring the effectiveness of support groups for children with developmental delays, child who have emotional challenges, cancer patients, single parents…okay I could really go on for days from here…I find significant evidence that it [support] helps.  WHAT?!?!  I know NO ONE is really shocked by this but science says support is awesome for us.  Looking back in to human evolution many scientists see how we banded together in small groups of hunters and gatherers.  I know what you are thinking; we already passed middle school science and history!  Yes we did, but we haven’t managed to put all the pieces together.  How much have we changed biologically over the past million years or so.  Yep we’ve gotten bigger, stronger, smarter, blah, blah, blah……BUT WE DID NOT STOP NEEDING EACH OTHER!  And yet our brilliant, faster, biologically superior selves have become so isolated.  Guess what increased… depression, anxiety, obesity, every single (ok maybe not every) bad thing that can happen to our bodies and brains are happening.

I will acknowledge that there are more preservatives in our foods, there are more pollutants, living longer provides more opportunity for things to go wrong, natural selection is occurring less often due to medical advances.  I refuse to believe that these are the reasons people are more stressed, less happy, and the least connected that we have ever been.

How well do you know your neighbor?  Like really… their name? The car they drive? The color of their hair?  Their kid’s names?  Their job?  Their support system?  Medical conditions?  Ummmm I’m guessing probably not.  I’m not saying that you should go next door tonight with a check list, but why don’t we know these things anymore?  I remember growing up and knowing who’s mom made the best peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  When my mother and father grew up they had city landmarks as their boundaries.  When my grandmother grew up they would swap shoe vouchers with the neighbors that needed them for sugar or butter or something like that.

I know what your thinking here too.   The world is different now; there are so many scary things.  You are right and we made it that way.  There are more people, therefore more scary people but there are still more GOOD people.  WE ALL JUST STOPPED TALKING TO EACH OTHER AND WATCHING OUT FOR ONE ANOTHER.   Why? Why? Oh why would we do this?  How could we do it?  We have more access, more ways to communicated instantly?  You are reading my ideas on a computer that can update the second I type a word? Lovely People, we need to make a change and we need to do it together.  Talk more to people, be open more with people, be supportive, be willing to receive support, play games (I’m a play therapist this is an answer for just about everything),  start thinking that we are put on this earth to help each other because there has never been a time on this earth that we have been able to make it without the love and support from another human.  

So this is where we start.  Let’s just give it a try for a few weeks and see what happens.  And please, share it with the rest of us.

Hear me out!

(Psst…if you just read the bold words you will get the gist without reading the whole thing, but if you want details and have the time…well they are there.)

I’ve been struggled with starting a blog.  Social media is already bombarded with antidotal publications on how to cope with parenting, what its like to be a (fill in the blank) kind of parent, funny parenting moments, and how to make the newest unicorn poop-slime-fidget spinner-whatchamacallit or the cool aunt, non-parent friend of parent, or hey maybe you’re human wondering why your friends who are parents just look so darn crazy.  But I think we are all missing something, and I think it’s kinda big…..an African Proverb “It takes a village to raise a child” suggests we are all parents in one way or another.  It is time that we all start living that way.

The Why

We are all doing this very hard thing we call parenthood–raising children, creating productive, kind human beings that will run our society one day without us as their safety net.  When it boils down to it and you get really heavy in the thought of it all then look around at today’s youth and think “What the Poppycock?!?!”  And everyone, and I mean EVERYONE needs to hear that they (well you) are not alone.  Whether you are a Gen X, Gen Y, Millennial, or part of the Micro Generation that somehow happened due to technology, maybe you’re a baby boomer raising your grandchildren because of heroine, pick your label as you will but you are in the parenting trenches (as mentioned before by choice or not).  Raising children these days is different than it ever was before.  You are all being given ideas, theories, suggestions, tried and true family secrets, advice, fluke things that have worked, bad research/fabricated publications, or maybe you’re just observing the monkey business from afar. Lets not forget that this doesn’t stop at a certain age.  There is no clocking out at 18 years old or whatever age you think “being grown” happens.  I mean do we ever think “Nah I don’t need a parent figure anymore?”  Lets exclude teenagers in this thinking for now.  The point is, It is ENTIRELY too much for one human (or two, or three, or four) to sort through while trying to do this thing we now call “adulting”.   Side note:  I believe my late Grandmother Kay would have communicated her thoughts on this adulting thing with a glance from the corner of her eye that in seconds spoke a paragraph that would have boiled down to “Stop the nonsense, get it together, and get it done because nobody is going to do it for you.”

The Who

I am not as expert, let me say that again, NOT AN EXPERT!  I am a play therapist, licensed independent social worker, wife, and mother of three.  This makes me a myriad of somethingness that doesn’t really have a name but in the simplest version I am this.  I have a Masters Degree in Social Work from University of Southern California (Fight On!).  I know and understand how to do research, I learned about how to be a social worker from one of the best schools in the nation.  Good research is key to understanding effective results.  I learned about family interactions, child development, therapeutic interventions, and cultural understanding.  The licensed independent social worker (LISW) part of my title tells insurance companies that I can bill for therapeutic services (counseling).  Registered Play Therapist is an interesting part of my title, and actually my proudest professionally.  I have learned and continue to learn ways to play with kids to help them resolve issues, emotional behaviors, family changes, and have a happier childhood (teenagers are kids too and lets be honest, some people over 18 years old fall into this category at times, myself included).

So now that you know about the fancy letters that follow my name, I’m hoping you will see that is just the foundation.  I am a mom, wife, sister, daughter, and anxiety survivor. I’m working on the thriver part of this.  I fall into the “Me too” category as many women do, but I am not a man hater.   I live with this challenge they call mental illness on a daily basis.  I personally hate the term mental illness and see them as more emotional challenges.  You also maybe familiar with these things.  So lets get this out of the way to begin with….I will not be using the words mental illness in any of my language from here out!  I do not pretend to understand everyones challenges or perspective due to socio-economic status, race, culture, and religion.  I do promise one thing.  What we all feel and experience is real!  This concept of “it is all in your head” is bull-shinanagins and it’s about time that we all start looking from another perspective to put real life in a more realistic view.  (Psycho-mumbojumbo calls this reframing).  I want to do all of this from a family perspective because I think that speaks to almost everyone.  Believe it or not you are likely (willingly or not) part of someone’s family.  (Back to the whole everyone is parenting thing again.)

Let’s do this

I wish I had some brilliant communications or marketing guru to give me a catchy slogan but here is what I really want to get at.  No matter where you are in life, stage of your years, ache in your heart, emotional obstacle, or place of peace you find yourself in; I hope we can help you take that next step of being an open-minded, supportive, genuinely good, human being.  Unless you are a sociopath, in that case, I hope they have genius people like on Criminal Minds looking for you.  But really, I will do research, I will share my knowledge, hopefully you will share yours too.  I want to help you understand why somethings work and why others don’t.  I will read the books and try to find the stuff that is real; and by real I mean if a trained therapist can’t pull it off in real life what is the likelihood most people can?  If you’ve read the book or wrote the book and know it works, I am all ears!  I have to be honest though, I am running into more people who are just finding a way to get by and I refuse to accept that this the best we can do!  So this is where we start I think.  I am learning just like everyone else, I just refuse to muddle through.  I truly believe every person is the expert on themselves IF, big IF there, you are willing to give anything a real shot.  Who’s with me?